6 ways to Align your family with a Family Purpose Project
Imagine starting a business without a purpose. You first set out hiring employees. You raise the capital. Rent space. And go through all the steps but fail to articulate the purpose of the business. Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? But yet so many times that’s how we approach family. We get the people together, we have some level of operating with family reunions. Yet we have no stated purpose. We don’t know why we exist. Or worse, everybody has a different version of why we exist. It’s no wonder so many families flounder. Oftentimes they lack clarity on who they are, and why they exist.
So, I know the idea of a purpose statement or vision statement and clarifying your family values might seem an unusual task. I get it. But I can assure you having clarity about who you are and what you’re all about will really help unify and align your family, and minimize struggles. And if your family gets along fairly well this project can be quite easy and even fun.
To be clear is to be kind. I’m not sure who said it first but it’s true. Clarity is kind. A family purpose project is kind as it provides clarity about who you are and what you are about. The purpose is kind of like your DNA. You have and use but typically aren’t aware of it at work.
But how to pull it off. Here are some ideas to guide your family discussion.
1) The process is more important than the output.
Seriously, how you go about the process, the family meeting, and the exercises to discover your family DNA is more important than the output. The actual product you come out with in the end is only part of the goal. How you do discover the values is also key.
Imagine for a second an over excited parent goes off on a weekend away rights down some family values and even a family constitution. They knock it out of the park. It’s really well-crafted. They come back and bring it to the family. Do you think it will help unify the family? Likely, not so much.
Patrick Lencioni says “where there is no weigh in there is no buy in.” Meaning if the kids, nieces, and nephews, don’t weigh in and get to express their views there will be very little ownership of the solution.
Getting your kids’ input doesn’t mean you are running a democracy but that you are making them feel like they are a part of the process and important to the family. You are better able to understand what is best for the family when you actually take time to listen and invite their perspective. Ask questions. What they want the family to be known for? What is the story your family members want to tell?
2) Think in light of Values and Actions.
Picture a tree. Values are who we are—the roots. Actions are what we do. They form the trunk of the tree. The result is the legacy we leave. That’s the leaves and the fruit.
The values are the character traits that don’t change, that you want to have when you are 65 and that you want your kids to have when they are 16. Examples of my family values are: Contribution, Whimsy, Generosity, Togetherness, and Courage.
Patrick Lencioni calls these “core values.” He gives some good guidelines on them. One, they are not aspirational values, what you wish were true of your family. Instead, they are the essence of the family’s identity—things that are true but that we want to emphasize more.
Two, some good things you want to put on the list are what he calls, “permission-to-play.” For instance, integrity, honesty, and “others first” are good things but usually are not the main or core thing. They are more values that we have and that need to be present in order to for us function well as a family unit.
Actions, then, are developed out of the unchanging values. Right now, my family actions include: family game nights, thick cut bacon, shared mealtimes, “give, save, spend” for our kids’ allowances, the wonderful game “Socks Alive,” homework before playing, “Rock, Paper, Scissors” tournaments, paper airplane competitions, annual family vacations, and more.
I know you are wondering, so let me explain. The game “Socks Alive” (which came from Greg Gunn’s book “Family ID”) is one of our family night games where they are two rules: 1) Keep your socks on. 2) Stay alive. Basically, it boils down to a big family wrestling match with tickling, taped soccer-length socks, and loads of laughter. There is a season to this one. I probably won’t want to play too much when I’m in my 90’s. That is why “Socks Alive” is an action but “Whimsy/Fun” is a value.
3) Display it.
Put your purpose, and values into a public format. List the two-to-four core values. Make them memorable. I made a two-foot-by-three-foot canvas wall hanging for our values, and added a Bible verse for each one. I have one list near the entrance of my house, one in my office, and one in my older kid’s room. The DeKruyter Family Values list includes our mission statement, values, and actions, all over a large picture of a tree. If you like the idea, please run with it. I had a boss once who said in a tongue-in-cheek way, “Creativity is the ability to hide your sources.” Feel free to be creative like me. I grabbed this idea from combining Greg Gunn’s book Family ID, and Jay Link’s book “Family Wealth Counseling” with advice from Lencioni’s book “The three Big Questions for a Frantic Family.”
4) Use it in daily life.
When correcting behavior, revisit where you have placed your values. I’ve had my boys memorize the list at night before bed. And I often revisit the value “others first” after my kids are fighting. Regularly revisiting in the rhythms of family is also key.
If you have the practice of family meetings, start off somewhat formally by having someone read the vision statement, values and your rallying cry.
5) And finally, change it when necessary.
The first version will be good, but why not tweak every few years to make it really good? Each season and phase of life brings new challenges and will allow you to highlight new values while downplaying others.