What if the problem was with us?

I like focusing on others problem much more than my own. Problem is, I can’t change them. I can only change me. 

In the book Boundaries, Townsend and Cloud argue that having a boundary line about defining what we can control. It is a wonderful solution. Instead of focusing on what “they” are doing wrong, which can be much easier and much less productive, we should focus on us. This principle applies to all relationships.  

At work, I may be struggling with my boss. But instead of making all of the issue his/or her fault. What if I owned my side and dealt with that? Wow, wouldn’t you want your employees to do that? Wouldn’t you want your spouse to do that?  

Next time, there is a fight what if your spouse said, “Hey hon, I’ve been a little cranky lately and my temper has been short. So forgive me for what I did.” Then they didn’t pause look you in the eye and wait for you to respond. They can’t control you, right? They owned their boundary line and took charge of their piece of the pie. 

If you picture a pie chart of the problems with our children, what percent if my fault?  Then let’s focus on that part. What did I do to help create these issues? Not all of these might fit your situation but I’m going to guess a good chunk of them will hit to close to home, as they have with me.  

How did I help cause this?

1)  We worked too much. Many times for the high achiever or successful and affluent that cost of the success within their career, has been a loss of connection times with their families. So many times it’s easier at work and I can quantify my time spent there. But relationships operate on a different law, the Law of the Harvest. The consequences of skipping out on my kid’s events don’t show up until much later, and indeed are greater.  

2)  We didn’t pour into their lives. We’ve been distant. The lack of relational connection is all too common. Much related to the story, was caused by work balance is non-existent. So many of the little connection points were missed along the way. So as the high achiever drives so hard to accomplish and succeed in their career, the time spent thinking about the family is by far less.  

3) We bought things to replace our lack of time. Compensating for the lack of time spent with our children we buy it with stuff. When I feel guilty about missing too much, and I’m affluent, it sure is easy to try to throw money at a problem rather than doing the hard work of dealing with it. It may “work” now but long term this pattern can roll into the entitlement and arrogance of our young ones.  

4) We were silent on training them and addressing these issues. We talked but only once and it was not great. But often times we over emphasize the importance of our one conversation and our kids didn’t remember it.  

5) Our life and our words didn’t match up. Much of parenting is caught not taught. When we gave the lecture about not drinking with the beer in our hand, they didn’t really hear us so well.  We talked about cutting spending after we spoiled them at Christmas.  The lecture, “do as I say, not as I buy” can only go so far.  

We may need a “Come to Jesus” apology time. It might be the first step with our spouse or kids to reach out and say, “I’m sorry.” I don’t mean the pro athlete or politician, “I’m sorry you are offending that I …” but owning up to my part true apology.  

I mean

·      Forgive me for focusing too much on work and missing your ball games.  

·      Forgive me for ignoring these conversations as you grew up.

·      I’m sorry I didn’t listen when you said…

·      I’ve been a poor parent when it came to talking about…

·      Forgive me for not actually being there for you when…

·      I realize I hurt you when… Forgive me.  I’m sorry. 

Now that is not hard but it’s worth it. 

The number one problem with estate planning

The number one problem I hear from friends who are estate planning attorneys… getting started. Because who wants to talk about death, unknown and unfamiliar laws, and potentially wrecking their kids? Starting then is hard. The number one issue. Not starting. 

True story. I met with a couple. They were sharp, kind, successful and quite friendly. They wanted to talk through legacy issues. Their net worth grew over their career—much more than they thought it ever would. I asked what documents they had in place. They shared an awkward glance, “well… we sat down with the attorney but never signed.” 

When was this?

1985. 

Starting is not easy. 

Let me toss out an idea my wife had about the 10-minute clean. We struggle with four little kids to clean our house. We love to simply live most of the time and like many of you, don’t like to stop all the time and grab the little stuff. We end up cleaning in big swoops. Getting started isn’t easy. 

One day my wife said, let’s commit to clean for ten minutes. That’s it.  She set the timer and once we got past that curve of laziness, we were on a roll. Once the timer hit we were in our groove and didn’t want to stop until it was done.  

That might not work for you, or you could be one of those clean people. I don’t know. But what I do know is this. Starting can be tough. If you make a commitment to simply starting that is a good chunk of the battle.

I’ll keep this post shorter than typical, so you can grab your calendar and mark out 30 minutes to start on this stuff. Who do you need to call? What do you need to write down? What is next? 

Ready? Go. 

Inheritance that is a Blessing and not a Curse.

So how do we bequeath our money in such a way as to prevent spoiling our heirs? How do we avoid the problems wrought with lottery winners, entertainers, and pro athletes? How do we instill values to our children? Why do we have words in our culture like “trust fund baby” and silver spoon? 

The truth is money is like fire. If we don’t know how to use it, it is can hurt.  And if we take our eye off the fire and it can have devastating results. Money is the much the same. 

You wouldn’t give gas and a lighter to a young child without training on fire. Likewise, you wouldn’t give keys to your private jet and fuel without months of lessons and most likely a license. Then why do we give cash without any word from you on how to use it?

Uninhibited access to excess cash often leads to dramatic falls and crashes. 

So how do we give them money?

Well, how would you choose an investment? This list is not comprehensive but often we do some of the following. 

·      Gather data. 

·      Compare to benchmarks. 

·      Talk to professionals. 

·      Watch the market activity. 

·      Study trends. 

·      Look back and reflect on previous investments.

·      Talk with a  trusted advisor or friend about timing. 

·      If not sure, invest a smaller amount first, then add more later. 

How do most people decide inheritance? Typically, less steps. I’m not going to tell you a full plan here. But I do want to push your thinking. 

Cautions: 

1)    Don’t over hear your fellow board member’s wayward kid story. Some stories need more color to fully understand them. 

2)    Lean into the conversation. Let your heirs weigh in. Ask them questions. Do they want your money? Chances are they don’t really get the full picture. Ask them. And let them ask questions back. 

3)    Think bullets before cannons. Test them now while you are alive. Let that inform your final things. A friend regularly says, “Do your givin’ while you are livin’ so you are knowing where it’s going.” This is true for inheritance as well. 

4)    Give each child and grandchild something from your final bequests. Even if you largely choose charity over your kids. Being completely disinherited feels drastic to almost all.  

A friend’s wealthy grandmother recently died. Previously she had received an inheritance which was specifically mentioned as being “from her grandfather.” When her grandmother passed she received nothing but trinkets. Her words were interesting, “I knew it was coming, but it felt…I don’t know, odd. I’m not hurting for cash but man, hearing all those charities getting a ton, it felt weird. I felt jealous.” 

My point today, be intentional with your inheritance. Talk about it with our heirs. Spend time with trusted advisors. Resist the urge to make it overly simple or complex.