4 Strategies for Guarding Your Kids from Entitlement

As I sat in the dentist’s office, I was complaining to myself about the wait. I had a 9:30 appointment, and I was there early, and it’s now almost 10. Yet I was still waiting. My cell reception was bad so I couldn’t be productive and check email—or honestly play my favorite cell phone game. I was mad. More specifically, I was entitled. I felt entitled to better service. I felt the I deserved faster internet connection, more prompt speed, and even a better chair. 

That is adult me dealing with what we’d all agree seems like a “First World Problem.” Entitlement can slip into daily life for adults, let alone our children. It can be at times a lecture we’d like to give our kids but not follow ourselves. It’s about as effective as telling my kids they can’t play with their electronics with not making eye contact since I’m on my device…again.

So with us, what if we started as seeing that we may be part of the problem. What if we started to fight entitlement in our own heart and life first? What would that look like? It’s good to start with our sin first and then work to our kids. Let’s not forget helping other; but start with us. Their little (or not so little) hearts need help here too. But let’s not miss starting with us. 

1. Apologize for our Role in this Process

Start with us. Confess your impatience at the stop light. Confess your entitlement to demand quicker service at the fast food when in a hurry to get to practice. Confess when slip into “cranky business” mode. 

We may need a “come to Jesus” apology time. I don’t mean the pro athlete or the politician press release apology, “I’m sorry your weak conscience is offended by my actions.” I mean a real apology, owning up to my part and asking forgiveness. 

I mean: 

• Forgive me for not being a good role model on patience. 

• I’ve been a poor parent when it came to talking about…

• Forgive me for not actually being there fully when you asked… 

• Please forgive me. I’m sorry. 

Being unable to say “I’m sorry and I was wrong” has been the reason for too many lost relationships—personally and professionally. 

2. Cultivating Contentment

Driven folks make things better. We drive and push the envelope. It’s to a certain degree has made us successful. But always driving to make things better can lead away from contentment. 

Last night at my son’s basketball practice the coach made his son cry to demanding too much for him. Sounds familiar? Our demanding natures drive to make things better often forget the soft skills. Contentment is not settling; contentment helps enjoy the ride. 

With our kids, they are not who we want them to be. But you don’t really know what kids you have until they are at least 30. What if alongside the “make it better” lectures we added a dose of thankful thoughts? What if we caught our kids doing well? What if we peppered our conversations with ideas like, “how cool is it water comes out my sink?” What if enjoyed what you have? What is our gratitude were expressed more? 

I think our houses would feel more welcoming if we could be more grateful. 

3. Teach Restraint and Will Power

How many lectures growing up on money started with “we can’t afford it?” But when we have more than enough, we now can afford it. These lectures need to move from “we can’t afford it” lecture, to a “we won’t afford it” discussion. In order to transition from we can’t afford it to we won’t takes restraint and will power. 

Research is now saying willpower is also a keystone habit or maybe even the main keystone habit. It’s hard to think of an area where willpower is not needed or useful to production and sustained movement. Willpower is vital. How do we get there? 

Allowances can help teach about the value of money at age-appropriate level. This is a very basic tool, but it teaches many principles so well. Make sure your children don’t connect the allowance to doing a specific task. They work because they are part of the family. You can pay more money for extra chores without increasing the allowance. This key difference helps to avoid parts of entitlement. 

4. Allow for Natural Consequences 

Failure is a great natural consequence. There are some really good ways to teach kids this principle, but letting the consequences of their actions teach them and adding some parental wisdom to the lesson can produce huge results. 

For really young kiddos who play in puddles, what better way to allow them to see natural consequences by letting them remain slightly cold during the rest of the grocery store visit? It is easy for them to connect: you play with water—you get cold later. I don’t like cold; next time I’ll think twice before I play in puddles. 

Here are a few tips on fighting entitlement with natural consequences: 

• Match the consequence to the crime. For instance, let your child set their own alarm for school to get ready. If they miss the bus, then bring them late to school. Or if they are late for dinner, serve them cold food. 

• Don’t use shame, guilt, or emotional reactions in discipline. When emotions are high, it is easy to manipulate via yelling, shame, guilt, and anger. Loss of a privilege, less time with electronics, decisive action, and so on motivate better than a lecture and yelling. 

• Let consequences set the boundaries you want. If you have a child who is leaving their toys all over the place, consider putting all toys left out at night in “family jail.” If you set up the expectation clearly that all personal items and toys left out will have to be bought back with their spending money from the parents, what a great way to motivate kids in the right direction! Once charged money for toys, they learn quickly. If money is less of a felt pain point, then find the thing that works. Take away time on their phone, or with friends, to find what motivates them best. Action speaks loudly where words can fail. 

Failure and struggle are good. Let our kids want, work, and learn. Failure is a great teacher. There is much even in MBA courses and business schools lately about failure being a good teacher. What lesson is learned when the parent who swoops in like a helicopter and bails the young ones (or not so young ones) out of trouble? Money can buy me out of trouble? Is that the lesson you want them to hear? 

We teach so much in those moments. Let’s teach well. 

Take some time as a couple to discuss some strategies. Deciding ahead of time with your spouse and getting on the same page is critical.