Communicate this side of the grass
So many surprises in life are good. But with inheritance you will do a much better job of communicating than a sterile attorney who doesn’t know your kids. Life changing info can be inside your estate plan and that news is best told by you. So, lean into the awkwardness and tell them.
Let me offer some brief tips on how to pull off the estate planning conversation.
1) Admit it’s awkward.
If you are like many affluent or high achievers’ emotions aren’t potentially your strong suit. So as with the birds and bees talk you try to swallow the emotions and get it all over quick. Did it go well for you? Did your kids like it? A friend of mine once told me, “I had two awkward conversations with my Father about sex. Both happened after I was married.” Ouch. That is not the goal.
Start off the conversation with something like this. Feel free to read it when you are with them.
“Your mom/dad and I have been thinking it’s time to have an awkward conversation about your inheritance. Assuming there aren’t super big hiccups with health, or company misfortune I’d like you to have a ballpark on how much you’re getting from us. Next time we can talk through why we’ve chosen what we did. I’ve got a letter that will outline some stuff with my will, and after I’ve talked with all your siblings we’ll sit down with all us and talk this facilitator I hired.”
Now that is a good start to an awkward conversation.
2) Think a series of small conversations.
So instead of the rip off the band aid approach and making it happen all at once. Think in steps. Write it down, first. Then talk through one thing next. Try another based on the first conversation. Then maybe give them the part of the documents that applies to them. Then talk about it after they had a chance to think about it. Allow them to ask questions.
3) Prepare for questions.
I guarantee there will be questions. Answer them with grace and the appropriate amount of info. They might not need to know the whole picture or what their siblings are getting. But they most often would love to talk about it.
4) Be aware of communicating messages you don’t intend.
So many heirs struggle with self-worth issues, guilt issues, “born on third base and think they hit a triple issues,” and they struggle for the most part alone. Often being alone with our thoughts about money is like mold. If the light of truth doesn’t shine in, moldy thinking can creep.
They may ask odd questions. Does the language in the trust about creditors mean my parents don’t think I’m good with money? Do my parents think I can’t handle the full truth about life? Do my parents think I can’t handle that conversation? Did I make a comment about money along the way that impacted this document?
Those thoughts are common and often don’t lead to where you wanted the conversation to go. And most of those conversations can be answered quickly by you! You can put to rest decades of self-doubting with a conversation. Or you can ignore it and just guess or imagine what will happen—your call.
5) Talk with each child individually.
Again, this is a bit of a get it all done mindset. Carve out time to talk with each child individually, or if appropriate with their spouse. Eventually you do need to include your sons-in-law or daughters-in-law but maybe not the first time. Maybe you do—your call.
From those who have gone before you in these conversations, individual attention, and time done upfront are key.
6) Have them meet with your team.
Professionals are much less emotional about your stuff and legacy. And they will field an entirely different set of questions. What does this mean? Is this typical? I don’t understand this part, etc.
7) Don’t put it off.
If in reading this it doesn’t sound fun, you need to do it and you know you need to do it. Mark a date on the calendar 2 months out, and take them to eat. Start the conversation and give them clarity.
It will never be perfect. But semi-awkward imperfect conversation with you is far superior to sterile “I’ve lost my parents” attorney’s office surprises.