Winning at the Right Thing

The desire for success seems to be hardwired into so many of us. We all want to win. I want to win. And I don’t want to change that. But let’s look at how we define a win. 

We often think of success as reaching a certain point of accomplishment. Lawyers dream of the day they complete law school. Doctors count the days until they finish medical school or residency. Mothers-to-be look forward to their delivery date. Along the way, we build up expectations about what life will be like on the other side of those goals.

We think things will feel a certain way after we succeed. But so many of us find that what we thought was the pinnacle of success turns out to be just one more step in the journey. We’re pressing toward a goal, but that goal doesn’t turn out to be the end point, or even to be as rewarding as we thought it would be. We long to be a millionaire; then we see those zeros in our account, and it doesn’t feel like we thought it would. Perhaps you can think of a situation in your own life when you felt like this. You thought you arrived, but that wasn’t the end of it.

Another thing that happens is that one goal immediately replaces another. We finish the degree, get the pay raise, earn the promotion, exceed the funding goal, or successfully move our children through all the phases of elementary through high school—even college. But as soon as one box is checked, another one fills in its place. At first we don’t really notice this. But after a while we begin to realize perhaps there’s no such thing as arriving.

What will happen if we stop looking at success as a destination and instead understand it as a journey? What if we shift our focus from reaching a goal to the process of moving toward that goal?  

There are really two elements to this change. I am not saying we should abandon all goals. But I am saying that what we often think are important goals may be less important when viewed in light of the overall significance of our life. Over time, I have shifted from viewing goals as endpoints to viewing goals as markers along the way, that tell me where I am and where I’m going.

Part of the problem with the “arriving” view of success is the byproducts of pride, envy, jealousy, or toxic shame. Either I hit my goal and quickly become all about me (i.e., prideful or even narcissistic), or I miss my goal and am therefore ashamed or loathe myself and envy others. I’m not a big fan of either result. 

Yet I love goals.

Maybe we should change our focus from success and work to contribution. When we discuss work or career, we automatically consider making money, but contribution concerns making a difference. Success is typically self-focused, but contribution is focused on making the world better. 

When we talk about contribution, the retiree, inheritor, and stay-at-home mom can join in the discussion, and that discussion becomes more significant.

Let’s focus on contribution. Adding value to others. Now that is indeed a worthy goal.